Do I have regrets?.....
Sometimes those words whispers in my head especially when I'm alone...
I regret the wasted time being coward not to talk with girls in my high school days but hey, I'm an introvert and I can't help it. I can't change myself and not even able to put the blame for not being too energetic to talk to them. And whenever I got the chance, I emotionally passes out. Well topics are often boring and the conversation ends with awkwardness and keep asking myself (why do I have to say that?).
I was a most unlikely person in the room. I was the last one picked up and that could be because they have no more options or our teachers assigned it. And I remember one girl that chose to be my dance partner I can still remember her eyes being conscious and she looks at our other classmate's reaction to her for choosing me. And that was awkward too.
My life was kinda dumb which I hoped that I was just a robot. A machine that doesn't know or understand the meaning of pain and being unwanted person. My parents don't have much time for me. They didn't made me realize my importance for being a person. To my mom I was just her kid that is supposed to do responsibilities and my Dad didn't pretty much expects something from me. For them I was just another computer gaming addict and all I want to do is to skip meals. Skip resting at noon. And just wanted to play the whole day with my toys. I didn't got the right self esteem when I was a kid. It took me a lot of time to understand how to adjust being a person outside of our home. To my friends I was just part of the team waiting for nothing. But then when my father died. Many things have changed.
I become a lot more loner. I have to work in my friend's grandfather's garden so I could earn money and buy food for the family. My oldest sister haven't got a stable job at that time. It was so frustrating that my Mom don't have a clue what to do. I finished high school at least. And that was because of a easy-go-lucky life. Work for food or eat nothing.
I regret the times that passed not finding the girl of my life. Then I got a chance to meet this girl. Knowing a lot of possibilities that our relationship will not last. I gave my best. She made a mistake. I forgive her. But then I felt that she doesn't love me like the way it was. I felt so much bitter and I let her go. At first it was all the anger in my heart. I admit I still miss her sometimes but that was it. We cannot fix it. We were broken. I resigned from the company that employed me for almost 4 years. No back pay. Just a 13th month salary. And yeah that was awful. Now I am running this small business. A internet cafe, computer parts and repair shop in one. Looking back at the times the good and the bad makes me realize those importance that God let them happen. I regret myself not performing better in life. I regret the mistakes that I made. I know I have to prove my loyalty somehow.
I regret trusting and believing people that supposed to be there when I needed them because I tried my best to be there when they needed my help.
People can judge me based on my actions and decisions i make.
I regret for letting them know.
I was born being a loner and alone I will always be.....
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