I woke up with a very bad headache. 6 in the morning. It is my toothache that causing the headache.
So I got up, took medicine and brushed my teeth.
I checked my phone and its Grace greeting me a good morning. Good morning too I replied. She said "first thing I saw this morning in my news-feed is your Facebook statuses". I just replied "I gotta run my dog first".
I fed Louie with 2 pieces of bread, harnessed his sling and we ran at the roads.
I let him have fun with grasses as soon as we found a perfect spot. We actually found two.
My dog was very happy and playful and I thought I am really gaining his trust. I let him play a little more while. Then when I noticed he is getting tired we started to run back home.
So I woke up early today with the notification sound from my smartphone.
It is 7 O' clock in the morning. I read my messages. It was Grace, a friend of mine greeting me a good morning. She is in Pangasinan since last night. She was sad because she don't want to be there. She doesn't want to be far from me, from her friends and from her boyfriend.
Good morning, I replied. And I told her to just try to enjoy her stay there for the mean time. I even suggested that she read the basic mobile phone photography online. So, I said I have to say goodbye for now because I will walk my sister's dog named Louie.
I stood up, boiled water for coffee and bought bread at the nearest bakery. I prepared food for the dogs, had my breakfast with my mom and went outside.
Anxiety and depression pollutes my mind. I become sad not because of the sad memories but because of the good ones. I am also disappointed not because of what happened to me but because I let it happen.
You see most of the time it is on our decision s in life that give us regrets. I never want to blame myself of all the bad things. It is so tiring. My heart is exhausted of the aches. Its been 3 months since I left Cebu City. I am now living in my Mom's house here in Manila.
When I woke up it makes so hard for me to go back to sleep.
So I decided to go out today. I thought about the place where I usually go years ago. Hoping to find peace of mind. Hoping to find inspiration and more understanding of myself. And most of all, I wanted to find the strength to forgive myself.
The only place to go that I know which includes animals, different animals and a lake is the Wildlife conservation and rehabilitation center. Ideal for my troubled mind.
So I had my lunch, prepared my bag, tablet, tripod and Smartphone with me. I also tried not to turn on my data thus, the purpose of this trip is to find serenity and distance from people.
From my house I walked to the terminal of tricycle. I just would like to mention that girl had a very satisfying smell. I'm not sure if its her perfume of the smell of her hair or just that cheap baby powder or a mix of both. I did my best not to talk or even look at her face. She is cute though.
I hopped out of the tricycle without hesitation as we split ways.
While I was walking at the bridge I noticed the clouds in the direction where I am going is getting dark. I guess it is gonna rain. Just perfect!!!
I get in a bus, noticed some water droplets sticking outside the window. As soon as I hopped out the bus, my Phone rang. I answered the call and yes, you guessed it! It is a callback from that BPO company where I applied online. Same drill. She asked questions, I answer 'em with polite voice and happy conversation. She said I passed the initial interview and I thanked her for baring with me given the loud noises from the vehicles.
A moment of walk to where I wanted to go and, there. Wildlife, I am at.
I paid for entrance fee which I didn't expected from 8 pesos before now it is 30.
Walked to find the old big bird cages.
You'll find out what happened next if you watch this video of mine.
I am now living in Cebu City near Chinese Temples in Lahug. The walls are too high though I cannot see the buildings from the outside. I am now living with my new girlfriend named Fatima Angel Cortez Intano. But she is known as Snow. She works in a call center where she obtained the name Snow as her Phonetic name.
Went out to find some breakfast at the street because having breakfast at 7-Eleven always has been.
Well, 2013 is not the worst year. I'd say it is the most challenging year for me. This is the year when my former Boss and I planned to open up a Badminton Tournament in my former job. It was my first time to be an umpire and to design at trophy that event. This is the year that I'd say I've been a seriously bad-ass to retaliate to the church's music ministry chairman (Oh, don't worry he doesn't deserve any sympathy either). It was the time when I wrote a semi resignation letter including the proposal for me to train someone that can replace my former job position. It was also the rage-wakening year when my former Boss's wife raided my room and taken out their gadgets that they turned over to me without my knowledge (So to hell with her) they even took stuffs that they thought their own. This is the year when I finally found out how coward my old friend that turned into a total douche-bag (He was so rude in the internet yet too coward when I confronted him "alone").
Well, bad stuffs happen anytime. Nobody knows how bad it could be. Anyway it also gave me happiness when I finally got out of the cave when I decided to create a business plan which my partner Jojo Uy accepted. From a regular employee to a newbie businessman. Yup, I am today. It was just funny kinda whenever work in my shop and remember things that is related to my former life. Our business started August 2013. September, my Birthday month, I never even imagined that the girl the once a OJT in my former job will be my Birthday date (Oh yeah wow that was awkward) Her 5-year boyfriend broke up with her because of a third party, and yeah she needs some comforting. Haha I almost thought that date was actually for me. November was the first ever Warcraft DOTA Tournament in our internet cafe. November 2 was also my second life "Literally" because I was put into a life threatening game. I encountered a holdup but I managed to defend myself and steal the knife from him, got my neck wounded though but it is better that guy would kill me anyway. This month, December was our first Christmas Party although my partner is not around. It was fun too. And I almost forgot to mention that I'm with my old friend that turned to be my bestfriend now. It was him that led Andromeda Hacker's Den into a active-running Internet Cafe.
Yeah life goes on. So as many of us has no other choice but to ignore.
Even after so many epicly-failed dates. Still haven't been lucky finding a girl. Damn.
Sometimes those words whispers in my head especially when I'm alone...
I regret the wasted time being coward not to talk with girls in my high school days but hey, I'm an introvert and I can't help it. I can't change myself and not even able to put the blame for not being too energetic to talk to them. And whenever I got the chance, I emotionally passes out. Well topics are often boring and the conversation ends with awkwardness and keep asking myself (why do I have to say that?).
I was a most unlikely person in the room. I was the last one picked up and that could be because they have no more options or our teachers assigned it. And I remember one girl that chose to be my dance partner I can still remember her eyes being conscious and she looks at our other classmate's reaction to her for choosing me. And that was awkward too.
My life was kinda dumb which I hoped that I was just a robot. A machine that doesn't know or understand the meaning of pain and being unwanted person. My parents don't have much time for me. They didn't made me realize my importance for being a person. To my mom I was just her kid that is supposed to do responsibilities and my Dad didn't pretty much expects something from me. For them I was just another computer gaming addict and all I want to do is to skip meals. Skip resting at noon. And just wanted to play the whole day with my toys. I didn't got the right self esteem when I was a kid. It took me a lot of time to understand how to adjust being a person outside of our home. To my friends I was just part of the team waiting for nothing. But then when my father died. Many things have changed.
I become a lot more loner. I have to work in my friend's grandfather's garden so I could earn money and buy food for the family. My oldest sister haven't got a stable job at that time. It was so frustrating that my Mom don't have a clue what to do. I finished high school at least. And that was because of a easy-go-lucky life. Work for food or eat nothing.
I regret the times that passed not finding the girl of my life. Then I got a chance to meet this girl. Knowing a lot of possibilities that our relationship will not last. I gave my best. She made a mistake. I forgive her. But then I felt that she doesn't love me like the way it was. I felt so much bitter and I let her go. At first it was all the anger in my heart. I admit I still miss her sometimes but that was it. We cannot fix it. We were broken. I resigned from the company that employed me for almost 4 years. No back pay. Just a 13th month salary. And yeah that was awful. Now I am running this small business. A internet cafe, computer parts and repair shop in one. Looking back at the times the good and the bad makes me realize those importance that God let them happen. I regret myself not performing better in life. I regret the mistakes that I made. I know I have to prove my loyalty somehow.
I regret trusting and believing people that supposed to be there when I needed them because I tried my best to be there when they needed my help.
People can judge me based on my actions and decisions i make.
I regret for letting them know.
I was born being a loner and alone I will always be.....
Maybe I can tell something about being bored. Bored is when you want to do something which you cannot point out. Which you cannot actually do. Mixed with worries, and excitement, guilt, time wasting, and more vain things. Maybe my words now are getting vague. I cannot deny such things that I admit to be sound boring well it is about boredom perhaps that is what I feel. Bored.
For days I've had this feeling of being disconnected.
Something like being outdated or torn.
I failed to express myself lately but that was because I had a hard time putting smile on my face and to keep my eyes on the ball.
I chose a new life, new job (expect that this time I am the superior) over my almost 4-year work in a Company.
I took this whole new venture and currently am struggling to balance my time.
I just want to breath. By these words. But.. rather not write down every detail.
Being friends with Bosses and ex-office-mates even after my resignation and all of the issues I gone through is not what I can see or do everyday. I chose to be good. To be openly and no-hate-feeling state of mind.
Anyway. This morning I just met my ex-Boss at the court. I was the one who invited him to come along at hit some rallies. not a good tennis for me today though.
I was tired. I haven't sleep last night straight to the court so I technically and literally have no vitality.
I changed clothes right after the match.
Many times I told myself I'm tired of having this kind of
feeling.
Of-course there's a lot of people out there that is having
bigger problems than I do.
Well maybe I'm just like the rest of the people searching
absolute joy.
I remember..
I tried a couple of times to register my blog
at ad-sense and I have been rejected for a couple of times it said that my
articles are mostly in unsupported language that is why I'm trying my best to write
these in English.
But then Google emailed me saying that my articles have
insufficient content. I don't get it. I know I'm not good at writing and
firstly I only got engaged in writing my story just to express my feelings,
emotions and all that I cannot open up with people personally.
Let's just say I enjoy this freedom of speech even though I
sometimes lack in grammar and construction of speech. I just want to write down
my thoughts. My life's highlights and other stuff.
It's a pity I didn't
had the time to write down some of them because I've had hard time trying to participate. Also, because I want to believe that I belong
somewhere. Somewhere or something that could make me realize my so called
"self". The guy that no one can take away.
I gotta go though I still wanted to stay here in Goodwill Park.
Nice weather fresh air.
I met this girl for about weeks now. Though we did not talked much, I can say last night is one of the best night I had in my life. The happiness started in the morning when I woke up at 8 am. I have no plan of going to work because me Boss Art and I haven't talk and I am about to meet Sir Jojo at Cubao. I borrowed 100 peso from Sir Rommel so that I could go to the nearest Atm machine and just realized I forgot my wallet. Sir Jojo waited in Munoz. He had coffee whike he's waiting. We drove around Munoz to Congressional, straight to Novaliches Bayan and back to Holy Cross. Oh sorry I forgot to mention, we were looking for an office space for rent where we could open a computer repair and hardware business. I am also excited thinking I will be the head technician and business partner of Sir Jojo who was my loyal client and friend. We stopped at Holycross just exactly the right timing for me to go back to my house and then to the Kingspoint tennis court. They were there, the children that wants to learn tennis :). But I just came to tell them we will have to resume the training session the following day because my officemates and I will be going to church. I told them to bring rubber shoes and shorts tommorrow so that they can play better.
I was very happy yesterday because I did many accomplishments. For Business, for sports, for church and most of all, wait let me tell yah. haha
Just before we hop in the service vehicle for church, I said hello to Boss Art at last. I kinda miss that cool guy. hehe. He told me stories and how happy he was when he visited Roland Garros court!!!!!!!!! and he actually brought back grains from that tennis clay court!!! Roland Garros aka FrenchOpen is the second grand slam event where the best tennis players in the whole world competes. Its an honor to touch that ckay grains way better than any beach sand ever brought back here in manila. Boss Art is soooooo really cool.
I wasn't able to finish this entry earlier because I've been very busy.
So, there was this girl that I mentioned earlier. Sorry if you think it is about the girl again. Well I often try my best to stick with one soul but apparently those girls from the past, all of them doesn't want me around either. It is really fun to actually find a chatmate who's not into flirting or ignoring or awkward conversation. When I was just about to give up in finding a christian friend. It was really fun talking to her I mean I smiled for about 77% of the night throughout the other day. She is sooooo pretty. Well I guess she is kinda tired of hearing those words. Nope she doesn't brag about it at all. She thinks that the word "pretty" is for young girls. There came my ideas of making humor. I think I made her laugh too.
The next day, the 13th year anniversary of our church. She came :-)
