Last day of the year.

December 31, 2013

5:39am

The last day of the year.

Woke up 3am which is not very usual for me.

Went out to find some breakfast at the street because having breakfast at 7-Eleven always has been.

Well, 2013 is not the worst year. I'd say it is the most challenging year for me. This is the year when my former Boss and I planned to open up a Badminton Tournament in my former job. It was my first time to be an umpire and to design at trophy that event. This is the year that I'd say I've been a seriously bad-ass to retaliate to the church's music ministry chairman (Oh, don't worry he doesn't deserve any sympathy either). It was the time when I wrote a semi resignation letter including the proposal for me to train someone that can replace my former job position. It was also the rage-wakening year when my former Boss's wife raided my room and taken out their gadgets that they turned over to me without my knowledge (So to hell with her) they even took stuffs that they thought their own. This is the year when I finally found out how coward my old friend that turned into a total douche-bag (He was so rude in the internet yet too coward when I confronted him "alone").

Well, bad stuffs happen anytime. Nobody knows how bad it could be. Anyway it also gave me happiness when I finally got out of the cave when I decided to create a business plan which my partner Jojo Uy accepted. From a regular employee to a newbie businessman. Yup, I am today. It was just funny kinda whenever work in my shop and remember things that is related to my former life. Our business started August 2013. September, my Birthday month, I never even imagined that the girl the once a OJT in my former job will be my Birthday date (Oh yeah wow that was awkward) Her 5-year boyfriend broke up with her because of a third party, and yeah she needs some comforting. Haha I almost thought that date was actually for me. November was the first ever Warcraft DOTA Tournament in our internet cafe. November 2 was also my second life "Literally" because I was put into a life threatening game. I encountered a holdup but I managed to defend myself and steal the knife from him, got my neck wounded though but it is better that guy would kill me anyway. This month, December was our first Christmas Party although my partner is not around. It was fun too. And I almost forgot to mention that I'm with my old friend that turned to be my bestfriend now. It was him that led Andromeda Hacker's Den into a active-running Internet Cafe.

Yeah life goes on. So as many of us has no other choice but to ignore.

Even after so many epicly-failed dates. Still haven't been lucky finding a girl. Damn.

Do I have regrets?

Do I have regrets?.....

Sometimes those words whispers in my head especially when I'm alone...

I regret the wasted time being coward not to talk with girls in my high school days but hey, I'm an introvert and I can't help it. I can't change myself and not even able to put the blame for not being too energetic to talk to them. And whenever I got the chance, I emotionally passes out. Well topics are often boring and the conversation ends with awkwardness and keep asking myself (why do I have to say that?).

I was a most unlikely person in the room. I was the last one picked up and that could be because they have no more options or our teachers assigned it. And I remember one girl that chose to be my dance partner I can still remember her eyes being conscious and she looks at our other classmate's reaction to her for choosing me. And that was awkward too.

My life was kinda dumb which I hoped that I was just a robot. A machine that doesn't know or understand the meaning of pain and being unwanted person. My parents don't have much time for me. They didn't made me realize my importance for being a person. To my mom I was just her kid that is supposed to do responsibilities and my Dad didn't pretty much expects something from me. For them I was just another computer gaming addict and all I want to do is to skip meals. Skip resting at noon. And just wanted to play the whole day with my toys. I didn't got the right self esteem when I was a kid. It took me a lot of time to understand how to adjust being a person outside of our home. To my friends I was just part of the team waiting for nothing. But then when my father died. Many things have changed.

I become a lot more loner. I have to work in my friend's grandfather's garden so I could earn money and buy food for the family. My oldest sister haven't got a stable job at that time. It was so frustrating that my Mom don't have a clue what to do. I finished high school at least. And that was because of a easy-go-lucky life. Work for food or eat nothing.

I regret the times that passed not finding the girl of my life. Then I got a chance to meet this girl. Knowing a lot of possibilities that our relationship will not last. I gave my best. She made a mistake. I forgive her. But then I felt that she doesn't love me like the way it was. I felt so much bitter and I let her go. At first it was all the anger in my heart. I admit I still miss her sometimes but that was it. We cannot fix it. We were broken. I resigned from the company that employed me for almost 4 years. No back pay. Just a 13th month salary. And yeah that was awful. Now I am running this small business. A internet cafe, computer parts and repair shop in one. Looking back at the times the good and the bad makes me realize those importance that God let them happen. I regret myself not performing better in life. I regret the mistakes that I made. I know I have to prove my loyalty somehow.

I regret trusting and believing people that supposed to be there when I needed them because I tried my best to be there when they needed my help.

People can judge me based on my actions and decisions i make.

I regret for letting them know.

I was born being a loner and alone I will always be.....

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Bored

Maybe I can tell something about being bored. Bored is when you want to do something which you cannot point out. Which you cannot actually do. Mixed with worries, and excitement, guilt, time wasting, and more vain things. Maybe my words now are getting vague. I cannot deny such things that I admit to be sound boring well it is about boredom perhaps that is what I feel. Bored.

Change outfit.

For days I've had this feeling of being disconnected.
Something like being outdated or torn.

I failed to express myself lately but that was because I had a hard time putting smile on my face and to keep my eyes on the ball.

I chose a new life, new job (expect that this time I am the superior) over my almost 4-year work in a Company.

I took this whole new venture and currently am struggling to balance my time.

I just want to breath. By these words. But.. rather not write down every detail.

Being friends with Bosses and ex-office-mates even after my resignation and all of the issues I gone through is not what I can see or do everyday. I chose to be good. To be openly and no-hate-feeling state of mind.

Anyway. This morning I just met my ex-Boss at the court. I was the one who invited him to come along at hit some rallies. not a good tennis for me today though.

I was tired. I haven't sleep last night straight to the court so I technically and literally have no vitality.
I changed clothes right after the match.

Just Like Them

Why do I feel so empty?

I don't want this feeling.

I don't like being sad.

Many times I told myself I'm tired of having this kind of feeling.

Of-course there's a lot of people out there that is having bigger problems than I do.

Well maybe I'm just like the rest of the people searching absolute joy.

I remember..

I tried a couple of times to register my blog at ad-sense and I have been rejected for a couple of times it said that my articles are mostly in unsupported language that is why I'm trying my best to write these in English.

But then Google emailed me saying that my articles have insufficient content. I don't get it. I know I'm not good at writing and firstly I only got engaged in writing my story just to express my feelings, emotions and all that I cannot open up with people personally.

Let's just say I enjoy this freedom of speech even though I sometimes lack in grammar and construction of speech. I just want to write down my thoughts. My life's highlights and other stuff.

It's a pity I didn't had the time to write down some of them because I've had hard time trying to participate. Also, because I want to believe that I belong somewhere. Somewhere or something that could make me realize my so called "self". The guy that no one can take away.

I gotta go though I still wanted to stay here in Goodwill Park. Nice weather fresh air.

Well. Bye.

I love you Lord

July 19, 2013

Emer's canteen again. I'm having 3 muffins topped with peanut butter and a cup of instant coffee. I'm not

sure if this morning is happy or sad or.... if it's going to be another boring day. Of course I hope it isn't.

2 nights before now, I had the opportunity to sing and play guitar at our church in PCM Sta. Mesa.

After 4 long years of not cooperating and joining music ministry, I was also glad to be almost not losing

a nerve in singing in the middle of many people. It started lst weekend when I was recording my version

of the song "Mahal na mahal kita panginoon (I love you Lord). I had a hard time to record my first layer

(the gutar 1) because of the noises outside our building so I just sat in our stairs and then just practiced

there. I felt the songs and turned out I was worshipping God not just playing or singing which feels

sooo good that my its my heart that sings. Then another additional tunes came to my heart and mind

that added styles to the song. Also is the humming. I'm just a simple composer and not some really

talented singer that's why I often leave the singing part to whoever could sing but that time is new. It is

worship. :-)

The same singing and feeling I made when I sang in our church as if no one is watching. As if I was still

there at the stairs. Alone :)

Happiest Day

Dear Friend,

I met this girl for about weeks now. Though we did not talked much, I can say last night is one of the best night I had in my life. The happiness started in the morning when I woke up at 8 am. I have no plan of going to work because me Boss Art and I haven't talk and I am about to meet Sir Jojo at Cubao. I borrowed 100 peso from Sir Rommel so that I could go to the nearest Atm machine and just realized I forgot my wallet. Sir Jojo waited in Munoz. He had coffee whike he's waiting. We drove around Munoz to Congressional, straight to Novaliches Bayan and back to Holy Cross. Oh sorry I forgot to mention, we were looking for an office space for rent where we could open a computer repair and hardware business. I am also excited thinking I will be the head technician and business partner of Sir Jojo who was my loyal client and friend. We stopped at Holycross just exactly the right timing for me to go back to my house and then to the Kingspoint tennis court. They were there, the children that wants to learn tennis :). But I just came to tell them we will have to resume the training session the following day because my officemates and I will be going to church. I told them to bring rubber shoes and shorts tommorrow so that they can play better.

I was very happy yesterday because I did many accomplishments. For Business, for sports, for church and most of all, wait let me tell yah. haha

Just before we hop in the service vehicle for church, I said hello to Boss Art at last. I kinda miss that cool guy. hehe. He told me stories and how happy he was when he visited Roland Garros court!!!!!!!!! and he actually brought back grains from that tennis clay court!!! Roland Garros aka FrenchOpen is the second grand slam event where the best tennis players in the whole world competes. Its an honor to touch that ckay grains way better than any beach sand ever brought back here in manila. Boss Art is soooooo really cool.

I wasn't able to finish this entry earlier because I've been very busy.
So, there was this girl that I mentioned earlier. Sorry if you think it is about the girl again. Well I often try my best to stick with one soul but apparently those girls from the past, all of them doesn't want me around either. It is really fun to actually find a chatmate who's not into flirting or ignoring or awkward conversation. When I was just about to give up in finding a christian friend. It was really fun talking to her I mean I smiled for about 77% of the night throughout the other day. She is sooooo pretty. Well I guess she is kinda tired of hearing those words. Nope she doesn't brag about it at all. She thinks that the word "pretty" is for young girls. There came my ideas of making humor. I think I made her laugh too.

The next day, the 13th year anniversary of our church. She came :-)

About this girl.

Life is more like indie film.

No one will ever know what happens next....

We keep our eye on the weather forecast...

And some people including me reads my daily horoscope.
I know I shouldn't believe in any of it. I know there could be consequences.

If you have read my previous blogs, you should have followed my story.

Good decision could lead to good results. It only hurts when realized the things that could have reconsidered.

I left her. I let her go too. and for almost a year of our breakup, I checked my old other email. There her name was. with her nude profile picture. It breaks my heart that she seemed to become girlfriend of anyone who sees her photos. It's like she's owned by everyone. There she was. The girl that I pursued for a year before we became "us". The former innocent sweet girl that I treated like my wife and baby girl. The one that I gave flowers for almost every month. The one that holds me and wants me. She not going back. But if we didn't broke up, our lives could be still in depression and frustration from responsibilities and conflict of interest and most of all, respect for each other. We're not the same lover like we were once.....

As soon as I saw she's online, I messaged her with simple hello. She replied "was-sup", the word she never used to me before.

Here I am now. At the church while writing this entry. Whit the Pastor preaching in his way. We all want to be good. I think everyone in this room does. Isn't it rough too to tell all of us are wrong? In the things not specifically mention but still heard. Sitting beside me are the kids. Isn't it harsh too that the message attacks us in a soft way? Well of course that is the reason we are here.

Our conversation became vain that she doesn't care. I was trying to open up things from the past just to atone things that I haven't said.

There's war happening. Inside this head of mine.

Should I go and let her be? Or should I still try to win her at least as a friend?......... Those questions aren't answered. My mind become more confused.

Her words are cold, of-course I couldn't blame her. I asked if she read the note I put inside her diary. She asked specifically which one. I said the notebook I gave her as Christmas present. She remembered the note. She remembered she read it a long time ago. But she doesn't remember what she felt about it. She just replied, she forgot.

I am her past. No matter how cold she become.

I somehow thought I would write this blog entry about this girl. Because about this girl some time in my life made made me happy.

About this girl, she's gone.

Talk-ativity

I almost forgot something missing in the things that I love, researching science facts :). A while ago, I shared with my office-mates about the things I learned about the Apollo 11 program conspiracy and other cool stuffs. I do not often open up a topic out of nothing because I'm not social skilled person. They are most fascinated when it comes about health and seduction topic. hahaha. I love opening those issues. I swear if it weren't because of Vsauce show, I wouldn't be able to prepare speeches.

I feel good today. Me, Kisses and other office-mates gave opinions and comments to every topic. Of course I am one of those fascinated with my researches. Nasa's man on the moon in 1969 is a hoax given many proofs by many scientists, photographers and geologists.

This morning, I spent about 30 minutes sitting at the cemented chair at the Goodwill Park near the tennis court. I reminisced about topics and issues conflicted on the Bible and every peoples understanding about it. It feels good to hang out at the park sometimes. I think I should do it more often. I remembered that one of the things that I enjoyed is to share unbelievable facts though recently has been always about functionalities of computer and programs.

Time now is 6:36pm and I'm riding on a FX taxi going to Marikina at Sir Ramon (my pc repair client)'s house.

Hmmm I gotta go back at my house earlier so that i can continue watching science programs on YouTube and blogs.

Later :)

Usual weekend with usual memories and unusual people

Now that turning 27 this year. I miss my childhood more than ever.

Last night I watched video of Michael. from Vsauce YouTube channel. He said facts about human's Identity.

I'm fascinated that our cells die leaves and our body every 5 years of its existence. I've learned that Matter creates existence, existence creates memories and learning, learning develops while our cells change and the one that we describe "Self" is the "Identity" our brain and memory says.

While writing this blog entry, I am here right now riding with our Church's service vehicle. Childrens occupy the seats. Back when I was a kid, I used ti hang out with my church friends like the kids that I am with right now.

A little while ago, I was at Kingspoint Tennis court with my friend Rene, we didn't took the chance of playing tennis because I was just about to pay my membership fee and also they haven't met Rene so we just watched their game while observing. There are about 10 people at the court.

There are many things I want to remember and sometimes I want to travel there by dreaming. There are also bad memories that somehow even after so many years we keep on remembering them and then resist to the idea that what was personality judged on us is never or was never us because we always resisted that specific idea. "That's not me" Never was, never will be.

We're here at the church now.

I just don't feel anything anymore. Its hard for me to feel blessed. That's why I can't even push myself to join the music team (even though I was a former musician). There is no mystery anymore.

Appropriation

Gazing again........

While I can hear the song "Maybe it's wrong to say please love me too" at Sister Emer's canteen.

Am I really loving someone that's in love with someone else?

If that's unfair, isn't it also unfair that my girl before has been owned by someone else?

I think that is not really love but appropriation.

Human nature in which is hard to avoid. That is also the reason there's the so called "war" between Android and iOS", the copyright issues.

That is also the reason there is ugliness and beauty.

It is already June 14, 14 days left before Boss Art comes back. I still haven't practiced tennis since June 3.

Its been useless, boring and nonsense days and sleepy mornings. Its the third time I go to work half-day this week. I've been very lazy. Its hard to sleep at night because of the many things that runs in my mind. Whether there's internet connection or not. 

I am also a prison worrying. Because of remembering so many things. I fail to start anything. I can't accomplish anything. Yesterday when I checked the poll of my bog, it is already more than 3000 views. Although no one messages or reply. Most of my blog entries is written in Tagalog. Love just ain't enough, It that love really? Or, do I still believe in it? The real love is about giving and understanding right? A mystery that only few can obtain. It also depends on how it is seen and also varies between different cultures.

Me? what should I choose? Or better question, who shall choose me? If someone tells me she loves me, could there be worth or could there surpass the worth of love that I once had?

How would I budget my time? which should I give full attention?

In myself? my lost family? to the beautiful girl that is almost perfect but uses me and only lets me expect? to the girl that hopes someday we will meet again? with a girl that is younger than me and knows less experience, knows less about life? to a beautiful girl that doesn't see it, doesn't care about it and only wants to enjoy sports which mostly played by men? In music?

Whom should I appropriate?

Whom should appropriate me?

The Escapist

I'm here now at Althea's rooftop. It feels good to view to roofs. It feels good to appreciate how big the City is even though its polluted. Its been always the office and my computer which my world goes round. I ascended using the steel bar ladder attached to the building. Sometimes it really like feels good to escape this world. Leave the sadness behind. Its good to hop the roofs by jumping. Its good to run. Leave the current situation.

But I know that won't be the solution to solve the problems. I've been bad in cyber-bullying. I also came to think of it, my words are too light compared to others. But what could they also do to me? Its still me and they never know who I really am.

Soaked with tears of joy and laughter.

It's been a while since my last blog entry. Here I am, tonight, while having coffee, chatting with someone which is the ex-girlfriend of my friend that somehow made me sad that they broke up. Because 2 months ago  when they are about the broke up, I gave advice to my friend that small things are not enough reason for them to separate specially when its just because of the what people says.

We fought a very exhausting badminton match with the agreement that if he lose, she will get back to that girl and make it up and I won. Today it looks like they both lose since they are both sad. I felt like their big brother because I give advises to them both. I also have been in a relationship which I thought was a really happy ending..... anyways. I gotta reply now to that girl's messages.

Humming Birds

Maraming nagsasabi at naguturo tungkol sa pagkakaroon ng pag asa. Nagkalat angmga inspirational quotes sa facebook. Madalas, nakkapag share din ako ng mga pananaw. Habang sinusulat ito ay may naririnig akong himig ng mga ibon sa abas ng bintana ng kwarto ko. Naaalala ko tuloy ang kanta ni Bob Marley na "Don't Worry". Mga ibon nga daw sa kanyang doorstep ang kumakanta nun. Ansarap isipin na halimbawa ay ganun din ang mensaheng mga ibon sa akin. Bihira na lang kasi ako makarinig nun dahil madalas tweet ng mga users sa tweeter ang nagging laman ng utak ko. Naglalaban sa isip ko kung magisimula ba akong mag kwento tungkol sa isang tao at tungkol sa aking karanasan o kaya nama'y pagmamasid sa kanino man. Pero iniisip ko ay baka mawalan ulet ng patutunguhan ang storya. Nakakapagod mag bigay ng pakakataon. Dahilsa ngayon, lahat ng nagdaan sa aking babae ay wala na. Nakatira ako sa mismong trabaho ko. Isang floor lang pagitan sa opisina. Ligo at pag inum ng kape na lang ang pagitan, pasok na.

Ang buhay ay para talagang nobela. Halo halong panahon at sitwasyon sa mga bagay na hinding hindi mo inaasahan. Madaling sabihin na laha ng ito ay ipasalamat sa Diyos at nararapat lang naman. Minsan mahirap lang maalala kapag may mga dumarating na mabibigat at para bang napakahirap lampasan. Yun naman ang naging dahilan ng paglayo ko kay God. Minsan nakakapag taka at ang hirap maunawaan kung ano ba talaga an plano sa akin ni God. Kahit kasi tinalikuran ko na ang pagsisislbi, heto pa rin at ako'y pinagpapala nya.

Nabubuhay ako ngayon, malayo sa pamilya ko. Isa na lang sa mga kaptid ko ang natitira kong naitturing kong kapatid. Nagttrabaho ako ara sa sarili kong surival, ng hindi ko alam kung anung magiging kinabukasan ko. Hindi ako pwedeng magpamilya ng ganito ang sitwasyon ko.

Tahimik akong tao. Pasumpong sumpong lang ang pagiging madaldal ko depende sa sitwasyon. Kaya ayaw kong magtrabaho sa sales field dahil hindi ko kayang mai-stable ang isip ko na mag concentrate sa social o public relations. kayang kaya ko lang naman mag react at mag comment sa social networks e pero sa tunay na buhay, kailangan kong manimbang muna sa paligid bago ako nakakapag salita ng may confidence.

Sa halo halong emosyon. Madalas kong hanapin sa sarili ko ay kung "Nagawa ko ba ng tama at naayon sa normal na paraan" ang mga bagay bagay. Number 1 frustration ko kapag nagiging awkward ako.

Sabi ulet ng hummingbird sa labas,

"Okay lang yan"

"Magiging okay ang lahat"....

:)

What the?

I am not glad from those girl which speaks too much vulgar like the other day someone chatted with me. While she is wanting to be noticed, I feel her emotional problem. Looks like she is thirsty for a guys attention. Even after I let her feel formality and respect in our conversation online I just looked like not "in" for being conservative for this generation. Which reminds me how I hated fraternities, drunkards, Jejemons and Basketball (because there are many temperamental and disrespectful local players like them).

Well if she really wanted being maniac, I know that I can do that too with just chatting. But I have no intention for her to do those. Yuckkkkk as in. She's not even pretty or attractive enough to turn me on. Plus, she's trying to be social while chatting with me using the words "duh"..... Oh my Gaaaaaad. I hate that word. Its like come on don't you get it? or something like "you're not making any sense" or worse totally has no respect to talk with. I just said, okay change topic.

She's trying to seduce her chatmate which I do not find sexy. It's more like She-being-the-low-profile. I don't want to talk to her anymore. So from that time I stopped replying.

Boss is really cool

I don't want to talk about her anymore. Furthermore now that my world is much at peace. There is no more to tell. Maybe because our story has ended. She is still hoping but after many years. She wants to be successful in life, me too. Last time I visited her profile, she become more daring in her pictures there. As in anybody could fantasize her. I don't know. Sometimes I blame myself. I don't want her to be like that even the fact that she seemed enjoying taking pictures of herself while being seductive. Yes seductive, as in her undies and limbs and angles of the cameras are the only ones covering the sensitive parts of her body.

Am I the one that messed her up? Or am I the one that set her free to do what she really wanted to for a long time, to be free? What could be her mother's reaction about it which was easily reacts just to see her sexy pictures?.....

She said in her notes: "For my the one that got away, someday we will meet again and that time maybe we could feel the same love that we once felt"....

I clicked the like button in that notes and commented, who would that be?
And now about me, there nothing new to talk about besides my stomachache which at least could make sense. I got Ginataan Halo-halo for snack here at sister Emer's canteen again. There are some people talking to each other around.

I remember the words that Boss Art said in our last devotional prayer, "Those mistakes that you made last year, forget them, let it go, it was done, and do not do it again"

Boss is really cool isn't it?

:)

As usual.

My foot is feeling cold again. I feel like there so many stories I missed to tell. As a matter of fact there really has many to tell.

First Brokenhearted I mean loveless again. I don't know. I'm also tired of feeling somebody likes me but I don't feel the same. Someone I like but its only benefits that they want from me. I always ask myself, "am I really ugly and is there really no one that I would like that could like me too?

If I will think about pursuing, it seemed to sound like being lost. Does it really have to be that we have to placate a girl for her to like me? In the end, I will still become the one who was left behind. I will ask myself again, "Is it really my curse to be alone?"

Ahm. Me and my younger sister celebrated the New Year together in my renting place in our company (I forgot to mention that I also have moved to new home).

As usual Im having coffee again here at sister Emer's canteen.